The Hot Yoga Doctor – Free Bikram and Hot Yoga Resources › Hot Yoga Doctor Forum › Injuries, Restrictions, Ailments, Pose Modifications › Illnesses/Ailments › Depression and Bikram Yoga
The Hot Yoga Doctor – Free Bikram and Hot Yoga Resources › Hot Yoga Doctor Forum › Injuries, Restrictions, Ailments, Pose Modifications › Illnesses/Ailments › Depression and Bikram Yoga
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I’ve debated posting this issue for a few days but here goes:
I’ve dealt with low level depression my entire life and take medication, which has helped.
I began my Bikram practice about 1.5 years ago, practiced regularly for about 9 months (3 times/week), then quit disgusted. I recently returned and am experiencing the same feelings I experienced before.
None of my feelings in class are unusual but they can be overwhelming. Looking in the mirror the level of self-hatred is debilitating. I tell myself, ‘You’re out of shape, you’re old, you can’t stretch for shit, you’re the worst person in class, you’ll never get any good at this.’ I’m attracted to, yet loathe the people around me in class: all you perfectly formed, flexible, young, never miss a pose Bikram syncophants. I hate you all – hate, hate, hate. May you trip on your sweaty mats and fall on your collective asses.
OK, I’m exaggerating here, though not by much.
I was in class 2 days ago and it was a new low. The self hatred was so great that I could barely continue, lay on my mat, and my only determination was that I wouldn’t embarrass myself by leaving the room. To make matters worse, the teacher, seeing that everyone was struggling, must have told us 20 times to smile. I wanted to ring his neck. It’s like telling a depressed person to think positively.
I know, I know. I shouldn’t judge myself. I shouldn’t compare myself to others. I should accept what I see in the mirror. I should do what the teacher says.
I know i will continue my practice. I will try to push through this and overcome whatever it is. But in the end I’m afraid it will defeat me.
I expect no answers but thanks for letting me vent.
Dave
The only alternative to not going to practice is feeling worse than you do now. And may I suggest that your meds may not be working as well as you think if that is what is running through your head. I only share this with you because I am no stranger to depression and it sounds as though you may need a change of meds or dosage. Good luck and never give up.
David, I was diagnosed with major depression in 2003 and was prescribed medication, due to things that happen to me when I was younger I have a chemical imbalance that keeps me depressed. Well yoga is the only thing that kept me off of meds. Hot yoga is new to me and I haven’t even taken my first class, but I know that this is a journey for me. A positive journey, and it is for you as well. I think you are awesome for sticking with something that disgusted you for 9months, thats willpower. Those of us who suffer from depression need a little bit more from ourselves. I took meds for about 2 months and never touched them again, things of course get rough, but thats life. Have you read The 7 Keys To Maximising your Bikram Yoga? It specifically states that everyones body is different and we have our own challenges. So if you get into your practice and pay attention to yourself the others in the class won’t matter one way or another to you. I am sure they are not judging you they are there for themselves, as should you be. Yoga is a journey being at peace with yourself does not happen over night. I am still just beginning my journey, I have not practiced yoga in over a year, but I don’t take any meds. If you haven’t already check out The 7 Keys To Maximising your Bikram Yoga, I think that you would enjoy the reading. It may help to calm you a bit.
I have SO much to share!!! I can’t even get it all straight LOL any way I have some good tips and some pieces of my journey i would love to share w/ you.
Fist I want to say I LOVE your honesty, and that is what will break through your challenge of self hate talk.
If you can’t handle the mirror…. don’t take to the back or block yourself w/ some ones back…. we do what we can when we can. One day you WILL stare eye to eye w/ love, be gentle w/ yourself on the way there though. Honor your feelings.
PM me if you want so we can chat or [email protected]
GOOD LUCKHi there
Unlike the others I have never been diagnosed with depression low level or otherwise, I have just experienced the usual amount of self criticism we all seem to suffer from. I have found that my best classes are the ones where I really try not to think and just focus on the voice of the instructor. If you cant do a pose just make an effort to do your best, it really is better than giving up and lying on the floor. I read a book by Eckhart Tolle called ‘the Power of now’ which talks about how he was depressed to the point of suicide and how he overcame it. I wont go into detail because it’s really worth reading but one aspect of it is about learning to control the mind and make it work for you rather than letting it control you which is what it sounds like its doing at the moment. Hope it gets better for you and good on you for even doing Bikram, most people that know I do it think I’m mad. Ooh another thing to do would be to try the 30 day challenge, you might be so knackered you wont have time to listen to yourself and there’s always the chance of improvement which is great.
cheers, thinking of you
MicheleI guess we can all relate to your post on some level. I have never spent that much time in front of a mirror until I started yoga. It is definately hard to take at times. If you stick with it though, you will see improvements. Not only in the way you look, but how you look at yourself.
I make it a point to respect other peoples “space” in class, just how I want my “space” to be respected. I do not check out other peoples poses, or bodies or..whatever. I do have great respect for everybody coming to class, especially when they do not fall in the “skinny lycra wearing flexible beyond my wildes dreams” category. I love the statement at the beginning of class: “accept your body for wherever it is today”
Keep with it!!!Hi Dave,
I am also one of those people who easily suffers from mood swings and previously have had depression as well. (One thing that might help is to cut down sugar intake as much as you can as well as increase omega acids to your diet.) Aside from that, maybe it helps to think that it’s quite okay to feel anger/hatred etc. The whole idea of yoga as I understand it, is to become more aware of your thoughts, whatever they are, and then let them go – not to pay too much attention to them, but to be more of an observer. Okay, I feel this way at this moment, it’s okay and that’s all there is to it. You maybe hating yourself right now, but at least you are doing something about it. You’re doing yoga and it will heal your body and mind. Give it time and try not to fear the future nor your feelings. Pull yourself back to present if you notice your mind wondering and giving you hard time.
I feel very deeply about everything and through yoga practice my mind is definitely calming down and I also find myself reacting more positively and balanced to different situations. I’ve done yoga for two months and practice 4-6 weekly. I noticed the positive changes quite quickly and like to think that am more pleasant person to be around now. All the best!
An update:
First off, thanks to those who responded and emailed me, particularly Amy and Gabrielle. It was a great help.
Being somewhat tenacious, I decided to confront the mirror in class, so have started practicing close to the front and make sure I have a good view of myself in the mirror. I still don’t much like what I see, but I am getting used to it, and maybe judging myself a little less.
My practice is improving by baby steps but it is improving.
Perhaps most significant is that I have tentatively begun a new relationship with someone far more positive about me than I am. I can’t help feeling that this is a direct result of my attempts to confront myself in the mirror.
Again, thanks to all.
Dave
I am so pleased to hear from you and that things are still moving forward for you. My new email is [email protected] and I would love to keep in touch.
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