Michaella

Hello there,

I am so happy I found this forum. My past is that I have been battling my eating disorder since I was a child. In my 23-24 I had another episode: anorexia (weightloss) this is when I started practicing bikram. I was not dangerously underweight first, I had a healthy weight to start with when I practised then it went dangerously down. I could not function so I called a therapist and started working on my self. In the meantime I went into bulimia and binge eating so I gained a lot, a lot , a lot of weight. But I am at a healthier place psychologically. It has been the most painful yet most beautiful past 5 years.

This year I promised myself : NOT TO DIET. Because for me dieting leads me to this desire to control food then to escape into it thinking if I am thinner: all will be fine. Instead I am learning my new balance, building a new relationship with my body, food and exercise (I also over exercised). Fast forward to this week, I went back to bikram yoga after those 5 years. Armed with a whole new mindset, and body. My body is much much bigger so I could not complete some poses because extra fat and flesh got in the way:

•  Dandayamana Janushirasana (standing head to knee pose) was the one that was the most difficult psychologically and physically. I do not see myself completing that pose at all. I started getting discouraged in the class.
• I could not do “fixed firm either”. My legs are thicker, so is my body so I cannot fit my body in between.
• Camel, rabit used to be my most favorite and now I have to learn to accept my limitations.

But even with all this, I still want to go back and keep going. Is that crazy ? I know I have to just accept and be thankful that I have fought a hard fight with my eating disorder. I continue the battle everyday. I hope to accept and cherish this body and enjoy bikram. I am not ready to let go of bikram yoga just because I am fat.

Peace and love

M.