robatronic

Thanks Gabrielle.

I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I should avoid certain teachers… or at least, bring a more open, less goal oriented attitude when I come to class on the hot days.

Since the last dramatic post I left here, I’ve had two really good classes, and since I’ve been so curious, I asked what the stats were after each time. The good days seem to track with lower humidity in the room. And there’s the kicker. The humidity definitely brings more of a challenge, and I’m a bit reactive to it since it seems the more humid conditions are associated with certain teachers. So my mind is relating the “terrible conditions” to “uncompassionate teachers.” And when I dwell in that, I get angry, because “they are doing this terrible thing to me.” … hA! they know I hate the extra heat, so I guess I take it personally to a degree. The anger thing keeps coming up for me… my reactivity, really… so the yogi in me wants to work through it. Also, I tend to overdraw my emotional and physical bank accounts. So I’m also working on keeping more grounded.

I should really say here that, despite my roller-coaster attitude towards this whole thing, I really am grateful to be here. Also, over the last year and 4 months, I’ve grown a lot. I really need to show a bit more gratitude for the yoga, the studio and the process. It’s nice to see myself go through this stuff sometimes. I feel like I’m smoothing out the wrinkles, so to speak. Growing pains.

And as a way to unveil part of my underlying issue… I decided to stop taking pharmaceuticals earlier this year. That’s also been a bit of a process… mind you, the meds I was taking were for anxiety(clonazepam) and sleep (ambien), with some narcotic pain killers mixed in. Alcohol has also been a large part of that equation.

It’s been over 5 weeks since my last pill. Withdrawal has been a son of a b**ch, and I’ve been going it alone. There has definitely been some rebound anxiety, but the worst of it has been doing away with the oxycodone. Of course I’m having headaches. Of course I’m getting angry. Of course I think it’s too hot…. My body has been readjusting… and I guess I’m not sure how long that will take. In my time with the oxy, I would feel like I was through with the physical w/d after something like a week… but I feel like it might be taking longer than I EXPECTED to come back to baseline without the peaks and valleys. That’s about when I started accusing the teachers of keeping it too hot.

In all honesty, I’m glad they saw through my temper-tantrums about the heat. I could be here without my yoga glow… thinking that the yoga was going to kill me, when I’ve been trying to do the same for so long.

I know this won’t be my last episode, so I’m just going to take this one day at a time, and never give up.

Again, I really appreciate this space. You’re a great mirror, Gabrielle.

An update:

The headaches have calmed down during class it seems, and I’ve had a few really nice classes in the interim here.

However, it seems like some teachers at my studio insist on making it as hot and humid as possible. I don’t see the point in that. I had a very bad class last night.

Every class is challenging enough without the passive-aggressive peer pressure competition to see who can teach the toughest class. I really wish some teachers would get off their high podium, and act like human beings. I’m left with a feeling that some teachers lack the requisite amount of COMPASSION to be an effective Bikram teacher. The dogma and the no-holds-barred approach is a bit disgusting.

I’ve asked for my money back, but one teacher, who I really trust, convinced me to keep coming.

I asked the teacher who taught last night what the humidity was, and she said that it was “about 48% but only 105F.” Really? ONLY 105F at 48% humidity?

I wish these teachers would stop drinking the kool-aid and come back down to reality where things like RELATIVE HEAT INDEX are a serious SERIOUS F***ing issue.

damn it! i want my damn money back.

Well- Lately I’ve been coming out of class pretty angry. I think I’m over doing it again. I almost think that this yoga is exacerbating some depression.

I did 5 classes last week, but couldn’t make it to my Friday class on account of being completely pooped out. So I rested Friday, and didn’t practice again until Monday (yesterday)… and I ended up just getting pissed off (general feeling of anger towards the world) by bow. And it’s been bad… like I’m still upset.

I guess there are other things in my life that I’m unhappy about besides how f**king hot they keep it at my studio (for no good god damn reason), but this damn yoga was what kept me alive the past year. And now, I feel like it’s pushing be back over the edge.

I don’t get why I even do it anymore if it just makes me feel like I want to die. It gives me headaches, makes me frustrated, and is alienating me from the rest of my life. I feel like I want to back down to every other day, or maybe just 3X a week… but when I bought a package I bought a year unlimited, and when I told them I wanted my money back, they talked me back in through “all the benefits” brainwashing part.

It’s bullshit, but I’m so addicted I’m in a catch 22. I don’t see benefits of doing this yoga anymore. It seems like completely useless schlock like the rest of this material shit.

I guess other signs of something wrong would be my frustration about the situation.
I used to feel SO GREAT after class, and I haven’t really been getting that lately.

[strong]• Are you drinking during class or avoiding water?[/strong]

I do drink during class. Here is what I bring:
I bring 2 x 1L nalgene bottles with the juice from 1 lemon split between the two 1L bottles. I also add 1 tablespoon of Grade B maple syrup (split between the two, so 1/2 tablespoon per Liter). I freeze the juice/syrup in about 500mL and add water on top of that once I get to the studio, so it ends up being dilute at first but stronger later on. I usually only drink from one bottle during class, and use the other as recovery, unless it’s a really packed/intense class in which case I’ll probably dip into the second.
I’ve imagined that part of the problem could be that I might be drinking too much water. Either in class, or in general. Headaches are a sign of overhydration/hyponatremia: “Symptoms of hyponatremia include nausea and vomiting, headache, confusion, lethargy, fatigue, appetite loss, restlessness and irritability, muscle weakness, spasms, or cramps, seizures, and decreased consciousness or coma.” However, I’m not convinced it’s a hydration issue since I do take trace mineral electrolyte tablets and my pee is generally clear, and I’m going regularly enough to think that it’s more on the side of hyponatremia than dehydration. So maybe I’m not getting enough salts.

[strong]• Are you aware of palpitations in your heart?
[/strong]

My heartbeat seems normal. It’s usually trying to leap out of my chest by the end of second set of balancing stick, but nothing abnormal given the level of intensity. I ride my bike to work about 3x a week (20mins each way) and I lift weights in the gym 3x a week as well. Okay, so I over do it. I think this headache thing is definitely related, but it didn’t come up like this last time I did a 30 day stint. I got emotional and a little unstable feeling, but that was without the headaches. I figured it was a part of the growing process.

[strong]• Are you feeling weak?[/strong]

In class? Sometimes… like after a really strong set of triangle, sometimes I get wobbly and need to lay the second set out. Sometimes when I give a good push, I get lightheaded. I’m definitely more likely to wilt like a sad old flower if it’s a HOT packed class. Out of class, there’s been some lethargy associated with this overexertion…

[strong]• Are you feeling any tingling anywhere?[/strong]

Not anymore. I used to come out of class a sparkly, tingly, superstar.
But in all seriousness, no tingly sensations that would probably be associated with nerve damage or anything like that. No. None of that.

[strong]• What is the temperature in the studio? Do you actually know?[/strong]

When I asked on a day I felt it was super super HOT, she said it was 106F. They say they keep it in a range from around 104-107, but they let it dip if humidity is high and it’s a packed class. From what I’ve read on here, Gabrielle, you feel that the upper limit should be 105F. I’m on your side.

I had a period a couple months ago where I was cramping up in class. I started to be more mindful of my electrolyte intake at that point, and the cramps went away.

[strong]• Does it feel overwhelmingly hot?[/strong]

Yes. But I thought that was part of the practice. The studio I go to has heated floors… so floor series gets really hot. Maybe that’s normal in other studios too…

[strong]• Are you or were you and EVERYBODY else able to get through a class without collapsing on the floor?[/strong]

Collapsing seems a strong way to put it, but there’s regularly people taking savasana during class. There’s definitely other people who need to rest as well, so I’m not alone on that. I don’t usually mind sitting a set out, it’s just when the headache is the reason that it’s been getting to me.

I love this damn yoga so much, I just don’t want it to hurt me.
thank you for your time.