silverhuang

Hi everyone,

I did some of the “Flatten your tummy & strengthen your back” video’s exercise yesterday with the overball, managed only 5 reps before getting tired. :-S Didn’t want to push too hard either. Perhaps it’s because I’m already working out my core sitting on the fitball all day. I do take breaks every once in a while from sitting on the fitball & stretch with the overball under my sacrum, basically just lie on it.

Did a lot of clearing out of the house yesterday, shifting stuff around so that I could clear out a large empty space on the floor in my bedroom for doing the Lucas Rockwood stretches, “Flatten your tummy & strengthen your back” video’s exercise as well as a handful of easy fitball exercises. It was like clearing out a personal space for myself. I live in a rather small 1 room flat so I’d been having difficulties making any decent space for at home exercise.

Now all I need is to figure out how I want to set up a little meditation corner in that space too. %-P Some cushions, a nice rug, incense holder… 😛

Hi Diane,

Thank you for posting your story!

Pacing is not something in my vocabulary and certainly not what I want in my lifestyle but what I need most of.

I know exactly what you mean.

It’s sometimes made harder because my family back in Singapore never really accepted CFS/fibro. In the beginning, they thought it was a made-up disease. Now that I’m technically alright, if I even mention being “more tired than usual” my mom will just totally freak out & go like, “Huh?! Why!? I thought you said you were okay already?! You better not fall sick again!! Don’t forget your degree starts in Feb, you had better be ready for it when it gets here, it’s not that far off!!” I can’t even find support for what I’m going through with them. I know that the truth is it will take time to:

1) Literally learn how to live a normal life again. I’ll bet you know what I mean. I still struggle with house chores on some weeks.
2) Rebuild my body from the internal damage wrought by the illness, & I know that can take time, the only thing is sometimes I think I forget the timetable is set by my BODY not my MIND.
3) Come to a new acceptance that yes, just like you said, maybe my body is now unique & different in its own new way, not the way it was before I was sick, not the way I would want it to be ideally, but it’s still my body temple & the best thing I can do is to accept reality for what it IS & not dwell on the past or expectations.

It also hurts that in my current state, I still cause so much trouble for my hubby. When I became well, I thought, “Hurray! Now I can be independent again, I don’t need to rely on him to send me everywhere or be everywhere with me. I can now take over cooking, washing & housework from him & he can finally just concentrate on his job.” Last week, I could barely cook & the dishes just piled in the sink until he came home to do them. I could have cried.

We talked yesterday & he said, “Look, you’re taking on a lot all at once, stop being so hard on yourself.” & my automatic reply was, “What am I doing? Just some yoga classes that I can’t even manage everyday & Weight Watchers (I’m choosing WW recipes from their database online to cook all our meals so that we can save money & it’s easier to stay within the POINTS system)! How can that be a lot?? It’s nothing to anyone else!”

Then the last line hit me, “It’s nothing to anyone else”. Can you just hear the self-judgment there? “I’ll not be happy UNTIL I’m like EVERYONE ELSE.”

CFS/fibro takes away more than just your physical health. It completely tears down & restructures your definition of self-acceptance. Sometimes I think, it’s that emotional & mental collapse & rebuilding that’s the hardest. Yet when I’m able to look at the bright side, hey, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger hey?

🙂

Thanks for your tips on coping with classes. I ended up choosing NOT to go to class yesterday & just totally take my mind off yoga altogether for a day. It was much needed, a holiday from myself & my expectations LOL!! Went out for a drive up Mt. Wellington with hubby instead. Had a bad night, hay fever clogged nose kept waking me up, so woke up late at 7am. May or may not go to class today, still feel remnants of the self-inflicted negativity swirling around in my heart & chest, will decide in a while whether to work it off or let it be for today.

Sigh… had another bad day. I thought resting Friday would be enough & I woke up this morning (Saturday) full of hope. I diligently drank my 4L+ of water the whole day to prepare for my class at 4pm, I usually make sure I get there by 3.30pm to warm up literally LOL in the studio.

Then as the hours wore on, I started to get more & more tired. Again. I fought it, cancelled an outing to the Salamanca Market just so I could conserve my energy for my class but it got worse & worse. By 2pm I was in a daze & had to sleep but at 3pm I could not get up. I felt like lead & just couldn’t get up without feeling sick.

Oh I cried & cried with hubby hugging me 🙁 I think what prompted the outburst was fear. I’ve spent 3 years in a haze of fatigue & I never want to go back but feeling the way I did this afternoon, it filled me with terror that maybe, just the horrible maybe that I’m not really well yet. This whole experience has been trying in its own way, striving to not give up, not lose faith, having patience, trusting the process etc. I really want to rebuild my body & I guess I just need to keep that in mind, keep the goal in sight.

Talked to my hubby about it & I mentioned that I noticed that I never really did as well with evening & afternoon classes (somehow I’m 10 times more tired with the 5.30p & 7.30p classes) but I haven’t been able to attend the 9.30am classes for a while because he can’t send me there (at work) & in trying to walk the 30 minutes there myself over a couple of days, I developed a hobble due to calf & heel pain. Haven’t walked for too long. He’s going to try to send me there at 9am anyway & I’ll find a way back on my own. Probably bus but I’ll still have to walk a distance to the nearest bus stop with a bus that sends me home.

Going to try again tomorrow, this time aiming for the morning class (10am on Sundays). Wish me luck! Feel better after a tofu & spinach dinner with kimchi (haha weird mix I know, it was an eclectic meal)

On a side note, I’ve just ordered the YogaBody Flexibility Kit! I’ve already got the PDF from here but what I’m really looking forward to trying is the YogaBody Stretch supplement!

Hi everyone,

@Hannah:

I always tell myself this: “I’ll go. Worst case scenario, I lay on my mat the entire class. Oh well. I’m still there, aren’t I?”

You know what, that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell myself too! Just go, just show up at the mat & take it as though it’s my first class every class & have no expectations. Forget the past, don’t worry about the future, just be in the present. Sigh. It’s worked for me a couple of times but sometimes the expectations & ego just break through. Odd things like “How can you possibly spend the class lying down? What a waste!” flit through like flies… bzzzz bzzzz!

I made myself go on Thursday like that & oh I was so sick & nauseous the whole time. I never ever grimaced or winced into the mirror before but that day my face was all scrunched up. Hope I didn’t freak my instructor out LOL. I did end up lying out a lot of the time but it was unpleasant & almost made me dread going back in case I felt even worse the next day!

But I’m definitely going today, this afternoon at 4pm. I find that if I don’t go for more than one day, I really end up feeling like crap. No matter how hard the class is, I always feel better for GOING than not. Probably exactly like you mentioned:

Also, I found that the weeks I only went two or three times were the weeks in which I was actually more tired. I think that’s because the yoga and the heat are more jarring to your system, taxing it more and demanding more recovery time. The more regularly you go, the more in sync and adjusted your body is. Does that make sense?

Yup, makes lots of sense! 🙂

@Gabrielle:

“I feel alive – for the first time in years”

Oh I know that feeling, I felt that in April that week I made full recovery. It is the most amazing sensation in the world. From shades of gray suddenly life is technicolor once again.

Gentleness with yourself is what you so need

That’s been an issue with me for most of my life. Learnt it from my mother unfortunately, not that I blame her the lovely woman, we’re all learning in life. All my life if I didn’t meet expectations, no matter what the reason, I’d be accused of being lazy. There’s never a reason to not do anything perfectly besides being lazy. So I was smacked with the rod a lot till now the rod exists in my head. Luckily I’m aware of it & most days I can soothe it but sometimes my will slips & it starts up again.

So it’s like, even if I’m bone, dead tired, so tired I feel like crying at the thought of going for class, there’s a part of me that goes “if you don’t go you’re being a lazy bum & a loser”. The trick is to be able to tell that what it’s saying is not true & sometimes the ghost of parental pressure can sound so convincing you know? Even as it is saying the most horrible things.

February is quite some time away. Setting up a scenario of fear and anxiety is imagined.

Yup, we call it futurizing here. Projecting a future that doesn’t exist yet & usually in the worst case scenario. Bad habit, bad habit 🙂

Going to yoga even if you can’t participate to the level that everyone else does is still doing your yoga.

I HAVE to keep remembering that! I think I’ll stick it on a PostIt on my computer!

@Kelly: Currently what I’m aiming for is as many days as I can handle (practicing hard to listen to my body) & then take no more than 1 day off in between blocks of practice. I agree with what you said. I did the “blocks” of practice days followed by “blocks” of rest days way in my first week & it just wasn’t as effective as just one rest day in between blocks. Doing too much too hard’s not great but taking too long a break’s almost feels worse sometimes lol!

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Thanks so much for all the advice & kind words everyone *big hug back to Hannah* 🙂 I’m definitely not giving up, even though it is hard now. I can FEEL the good this yoga does to me & I ain’t giving that elixir up so quickly! I came into this yoga (just like my Weight Watchers) with the mindset that it is a WAY OF LIFE for me, not a quick fix or short term thing. So I’ll definitely be here! 😉 All clouds pass & this one will too, must have faith in that simple fact of life.